We are all butterflies
Posted by Coach Suzann in Life, Life Coaching, Positive Psychology on October 17, 2011
The Story of the Butterfly
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.
Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.
I have seen this story many times and have tried unsuccessfully to find the original author. If you know who wrote this, please share.
Being, Doing, In the NOW
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Life, Life Coaching, Positive Psychology, Psychology on September 4, 2011
I’ve seen this around the internet several times, but when I saw it again this morning, it seemed to have been speaking to my previous posts about “being” and “doing” AND Being in the NOW. Take a look at it again:
“I just wanted to let everyone know that I have recently
been diagnosed with Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
(AAADD).
Symptoms: This is how it goes… I decide to do the laundry,
start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table.
OK, I’m going to do the laundry…
BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper. After that, I
notice the mail on the table… OK, I’ll just put the
newspaper in the recycle stack….
BUT FIRST I’ll look through the mail and see if there are
any bills to be paid. Yes.
Now where is the checkbook? Oops… there’s the empty glass
from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for
that checkbook…
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for
the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers
need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and
there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s
it doing here? I’ll just put it away…
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door
and… Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat.
Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and
water the plants… BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the
floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid,
checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control.
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done
today, I’m baffled! Because… I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I
realize this condition is serious…. I’ll get help…
BUT FIRST…I need to check my e-mail….”
Do you see how it connects to the other posts? I see it as not “being” in the NOW.
Being mindful. Noticing what we are “doing”. Not being on automatic pilot. Making conscious decisions. Choosing our behaviors whether they are action or non-action behaviors; it’s all a choice.
The humor in the internet piece is only funny because we can relate. If we can relate, that’s the sign we recognize our need to “be”.
Being
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Life, Life Coaching, Positive Psychology, Psychology on September 3, 2011
An unscheduled day is a gift!! How often do you have a day with no time constraints? A time to let yourself think, read, stare out the window, take the dog on a walk, or whatever. This becomes a problem for the “doer” self. “I didn’t do anything today!” “I didn’t accomplish anything today!”
The “doer” self resists the “being” self. Our culture encourages “doing” and “accomplishing”. The culture does not encourage time to “be”. However, “being” time is essential to processing our thoughts, planning for the future, getting a sense of focus.
For years, I had thought I was a procrastinator. Or at least that’s what I thought I was until I realized that I utilized that “not doing” time as a way to get ready “to do”! Once I realized what my inaction really implied, I could give myself a break and stop the negative self-talk that felt so bad. Now, I recognize just how I’m using my “not doing” time to clear the way for my “doing” time. Just “being” is a wonderful experience! You will “do” when necessary, as long as you don’t sabotage yourself with a barrage of negative self-talk about “not doing”.
It also helps me to remember that even on my “not doing” days, that I am “being”, which is what it’s all about.
Feelings Only Happen “in the NOW”
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Life Coaching, Positive Psychology, Psychology on August 15, 2011
I am very satisfied with the way my office looks after moving furniture around and removing 3 bookcases of books and stuff!(Thank you Aaron, Aaron and Meg!)
In this moment, right now, here at my desk, I’m “above the line”. I have a positive feeling. I am “in the NOW” experiencing my feelings. I am not thinking about anything else. I’m just being with my positive feelings.
Because we can only experience feelings “in the NOW”, I have chosen to focus my attention on “the NOW”.
Very nice.
The Mission
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Life, Life Coaching, Positive Psychology, Psychology, Uncategorized on August 12, 2011
“Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.” Helen Keller
It’s amazing to me that we look for happiness in all the wrong places! This quote from Helen Keller is only one of many throughout history which points us to the source of happiness. It is my intention to share with as many people as I can this information.
In a world of uncertainty (can there be any other kind?) we cannot look to our external life and find happiness. Knowing we have all that we need to experience happiness (joy, contentment, peace, harmony, calm) within our range of choices and how to determine which choice to make (from an individual perspective) is the mission of Happiness YOUniversity. That is my personal mission.
When my husband, Norman, died in March (on my birthday), I was filled with anguish…..and peace and calm. How could these emotions co-exist? They didn’t. I’m human. My anguish was/is very painful. With family and friends, I felt safe to feel my anguished feelings. I also felt safe to be peaceful, reflective and calm. There are no “shoulds” about how to feel.
Knowing that Norman was no longer in pain, no longer enduring one treatment after another, no longer fearful, provided a peaceful and calm state within me. Missing his presence, his humor in spite of it all, his hugs triggered a deep heartache. I experience this ache daily. I let myself experience it. And then I choose to “do” something different. Even though I am not always “happy”, I allow myself to feel the unpleasant feelings and then choose to get “to the Line” I’ll talk about “the Line” in a different post. Once at “the Line”, it is easier to think, feel and do what I need to feel “above the Line”. In my case, that feeling is usually ‘peaceful’.
I can’t wait to talk more about “the Line”.
An “ah ha” moment in session
Posted by Coach Suzann in Uncategorized on January 15, 2011
Yes, I’ve been gone from my blog for quite some time, and I have missed sharing thoughts. Even though I have a platter full of tasks today, I decided I would share a moment from a therapy session.
The client was talking about missing “something” in her relationship with her significant other. She talked about all the great things they had together and the great reasons for staying together for the long haul. But….there was something important missing.
She couldn’t put her finger on it…but it was definitely not there! After exploring how they interact on a daily basis, we determined she was sooo independent and strong in the relationship, that she didn’t ask for or accept help in any way from her partner. This hit a sore spot for her. It was very paradoxical. On the one hand, she was strong, but on the other hand, she didn’t want to always be the strong one and needed to know and to experience that her partner could be the strong one. Her “little girl” part was looking for that “strong other” person to be there for her.
She learned that she needed to not always be the strong one! She learned she needed to ask for and to accept help from others! By doing this, she will be able to experience the sense of being cared for which is a strong internal drive we all have! If we don’t experience being cared for by others, we feel very lonely in this life. In the case of this client, she interpreted this lack of being cared for as a lack of connection with her partner. But she had been blocking this experience by not allowing her partner to “be there” for her.
My client left the session with the resolve to allow her partner to “care for” her by not always acting as the strong one.
So how come this was such an “ah ha” moment for me? You might have already guessed. I have rarely asked for or accepted help from others in my life. I have always been the strong one. With my husband’s illness, it has become a necessity that I reach out and get help from others. I hadn’t realize how difficult that would be for me. Once I let go of my own need “to do it all”, life will become way more manageable…and it has become that way in the last couple of months.
So how can my “ah ha” moment help you? Look at your life. Are you the one “in charge” all the time? Conversely, are you never in charge? Do you rely on others to take care of things like decisions, day to day management of your life, or even your life’s direction? Take some time and look for balance in either being the strong one or the one who is dependent on others. With this balance, you will likely find a stronger connection with those in your about whom you care.
Down Time
Posted by Coach Suzann in Life on March 8, 2010
Taking time to rejuvenate is essential to creative endeavors. The brain needs down time!
Take time to figure out what will be rejuvenating to YOU. It is different for each person. What rejuvenates me doesn’t necessarily do much for you and visa-versa.
Take time for yourself!
Responsibilty–Own it, for happiness sake
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Life, Life Coaching on March 7, 2010
The word for today is: Responsibility.
Responsibility became the word of the day as I was reflecting on three occurrences from the past week.
The first had to do with a coaching session I had with a client who knows what she wants to do with her life but was afraid to go for it because “the good opinion of others” is stopping her. She believes she has to have a reason that the “others” would accept as a valid reason before she could move forward. She is putting the responsibility of her life choices on others…
The second occurrence was in a marital counseling session where the wife said, “he just doesn’t make me happy.” When asked when he MADE her happy in the past, she recalled many fun activities like going to parties, going on trips together, and the times he made her laugh. “When was this?” I asked. Before children, before the mortgage, and actually, before they were married.
The third occurrence relates to teaching for University of Phoenix-Louisville campus My experience with the students this past week was amazing. The growth they showed in five weeks was tremendous. We finished the class with a final exam and when they were finished, I asked that they provide feedback about the class, the amount of work, and classroom policies. The student’s response which stands out the most was, “Thank you for holding me accountable”.
We are all responsible for the choices we make.
The gal who couldn’t go forward with her life because others didn’t like the direction she wanted to take was giving responsibility for her life to others.
The wife who said the husband wasn’t making her happy needs to rethink her choices of “what makes her happy” . Right now she is thinking about going out as a carefree single person. She isn’t a single person. She is a woman with children and a mortgage (too big of one). She is responsible for deciding what about her life fits her goals and desires and to find contentment in those things. Happiness doesn’t come from someone taking you to parties, it comes from the way one assesses their life.
The student who thanked me for making her accountable needs to thank herself. I didn’t make her do anything. She choose to be accountable. That gave her a sense of satisfaction and she lived up to her own standards. She is now responsible for feeling good about a job well done.
So often we give power to others in ways we don’t realize. No one else is responsible for our choices. Once we accept that, we will accept our own power and experience the freedom that comes with it.
Getting Things Done will Increase Your Happiness Level
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness on January 10, 2010
One of the activities I have my Happiness Boot Camp participants do is to pick one thing they have been procrastinating on, make a plan about how and when to get it done, and then JUST DO IT, as Nike would say.
During the last week of December when I closed my office to take some time off, I decided on a procrastination task to complete. I had been putting off going through my closets, cupboards and drawers for some time. I kept thinking of it as an overwhelming task! I just kept putting it off. I would find other things to do instead of going through ten years of accumulation! In the past, I had reasons to go through closets and “stuff”, mostly because we moved pretty regularly! But I have been in this house for ten years and I have no intention of moving.
The kitchen cupboards were the most problematic. I didn’t have any idea what was hidden in the food pantry. I couldn’t find the lids to the plastic containers. I knew I had straws in there somewhere! I was preparing a vegetable lasagna and couldn’t find the lasagna noodles. So I went to the store and bought some. Had I cleaned out the pantry, I would have found two unopened boxes of lasagna noodles!
My clothes closets were high on the problem list. While shopping for holiday gifts, I HAD to walk through the department stores in the Mall. From the racks I heard, “Suzann, don’t you think I would look nice hanging in your closet?” Utter confusion would ensue as I tried to reconcile in my head how this new piece of clothing would fit with the existing wardrobe. I am a pretty conservative clothes buyer…something new has to be able to go with an existing outfit, OR it has to start it’s own subset of outfits. That means I would have to have nothing else that closely resembles it in my wardrobe! But the problem was that I didn’t really have a clue what was still useful, i.e. still in style, still fits and in good repair (or could be repaired). That would take some serious work to pull it out, try it on, examine it, repair it, iron it, OR pack it up to be taken to Goodwill or Dress for Success. I hadn’t had time to do all that…until I took time off to stay at home!
Other areas of concern were attacked that week. The storage area in the laundry room, the downstairs office, several bookcases, the front-hall closet, and under sinks in the bathrooms.
Wow. Had I listed out all of this at the beginning of the week, I think I would have begged off and wouldn’t have started the tasks!!! But that’s not how I did it. I planned on doing the food pantry and one of the closets in the guest bedroom. That was it. As the week progressed, the energy I was developing through the feeling of accomplishment kept growing. It was all about, “Pay attention to how good this feels” and I just wanted to keep that happy feeling. It is a lingering feeling, too! As I was preparing a casserole over the weekend, I gleefully opened the food pantry, knowing full well what was in there and where it was. Seems like an insignificant experience, huh? Well, for me it was joyfully fulfilling to know I could make the meal I had planned!
What else? I know what I have to wear. I know where all the masking tape is. I can tell you precisely where to find the tape measure, the bottle of Pepto Bismol, all the cleaning supplies, and that cute outfit the dog won’t wear out in the rain. I got rid of extra candles and candle holders, unused blankets, quilts and pillows, games we no longer play, and all the stuff that took up the valuable storage selves in the front hall closet!
Feels good. Looks good.
Challenge: Pick one procrastination project. Plan how and when you will do it. Then JUST DO IT. Let me know how you feel after.
Have You Missed Me?
Posted by Coach Suzann in Happiness, Positive Psychology on December 21, 2009
It’s the holiday season and I’m feeling disconnected from the world. Not that the world has disconnected me, I’ve just not reached out lately.
As many of you know, my sweet husband has been challenged with a Primary CNS Lymphoma, a brain tumor. He has now completed his fourth week of treatment. The treatments require a week-long inpatient stay in the hospital in order to monitor how the chemotherapy is effecting him. Considering how bad cancer treatment can be, he has had the most wonderful care on the Oncology floor at Baptist East. I can’t say enough about the staff, nurses, assistants, food service, housekeeping, etc. They are professional in every way, AND they treat him with such respect, even when he is being a pain!
So you might think that I’ve fallen off the Happiness Wagon because my husband is going through all this. Not happening! In fact, it is everything about Positive Psychology that is helping me through this difficult time. That’s not to say I am HAPPY that my husband has a brain tumor. What I’m trying to say is that I could be in a very low place because of it, and I’m not. I’ve kept my happiness level out of the proverbial “tank”.
Folks have asked me how I’m managing in this stressful situation. I thought it would be helpful to share with you what helps me and hopefully the same will help you or someone you care about. Feel free to pass this on to others.
Seven Suggestions for Getting Through Hard Times
(They could all be #1 on your list)
- Ask for and accept help from others.
- Don’t ruminate on the possible bad outcomes. Choose to focus on the possible positive outcomes.
- Get enough rest. Engage in healthy eating. Don’t over-schedule. Take care of yourself.
- In the case of a sick loved one, focus on the person, not the disease.
- Celebrate and be grateful for small victories. Ignore backsliding.
- Recognize what you can do and act on it. Don’t give yourself an opportunity to later say “woulda, coulda, shoulda”.
- Surround yourself with positive people.
So, when you or someone else fill(s) in the blank, __________________________ (loss of job, unexpected expenses, severe illness, or anything else that is stressful), perhaps you can manage to get through it as I have suggested.
My best to you,
Suzann